*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey