*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
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I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Okay, I’m still confused…
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”