*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
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I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I’ve been drinking.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.