*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing