‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.