[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents