Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
what is cheese if not milk persevering
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain