Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
You Might Also Like
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.