Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
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Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.