[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.