*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
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My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.