Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Had an epiphany today.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”