@justabloodygame No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
@TeaAndCopy Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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@justabloodygame 
@trevso_electric That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
@hipchkk Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
@blade_funner DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
@LizHackett I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
@TEXASVETERAN I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
@EndhooS *Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
@BadMikeyBad The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
@E_lok44 [After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
@Sanbel11 Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.