Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.