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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am