Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

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in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”


dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours


I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.


Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.


two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???


Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door


Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God


How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.


The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.


Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.