@TheBoydP

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

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@rn_murse

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

@DanMentos

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

@DelilahSmashbox

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

@BigRadMachine

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

@frigginfrench

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

@Michael1979

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

@kentgrossarth

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

@phranqueigh

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

@ADHDeanASL

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

@topaz_kell

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.