Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.