*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
definitely did not do anything wrong
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.