Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing