push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw