Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
🙅🏻
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?