*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
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[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.