*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
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Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat