[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
that colleague who touches your screen
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Terribly Tuesday.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable