*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
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I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.