[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
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BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
That’s classic.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
He’s cranky this morning
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.