@Breadery I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
@jackiembouvier Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
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@Breadery 
@Loli_Sug Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
@Death_Buddy *SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
@Adam_Kingsnorth Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
@MoistPork Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
@primawesome I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
@PinkCamoTO Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
@ericsshadow ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
@sweetraccoons 
@impaulmccoy I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.