@jackiembouvier

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

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@Breadery

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

@Loli_Sug

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

@Death_Buddy

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

@primawesome

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

@PinkCamoTO

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

@ericsshadow

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

@impaulmccoy

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.