Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days