@UncleDuke1969

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

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@DropDeadJud

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

@mcdadstuff

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

@Mr_NotStupid

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

@jakegarv3

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

@Playing_Dad

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

@tastefactory

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.