“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

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Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?


“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?


Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”


Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.


WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”


Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder


An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough


[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.


BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.