@UncleDuke1969

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

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@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

@SteveMarriott

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

@jctwritesstuff

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

@shaun__gunner

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

@dshack8

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

@TheRealHoarse

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

@TheWidowmakerX

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

@SortaBad

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck