@trevso_electric Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
@UncleDuke1969 “Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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@trevso_electric 
@DropDeadJud Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
@ThisOneSayz “My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
@mcdadstuff Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
@sofarrsogud WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
@Mr_NotStupid Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
@jakegarv3 An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
@Playing_Dad [Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
@tastefactory BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
@CornOnTheGoblin He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower