put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?