put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
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I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
*Inspirational Tweets*
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
🌱🌱🌱