put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
why isn’t he texting back
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.