Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
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Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I drew y’all a little something.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.