Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Called it
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable