Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
are they though??
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
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Expectations vs. Reality
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.