Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!