@Rollinintheseat Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
@Gelatin_Cyborg Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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@Rollinintheseat 
@The_MartiniGirl Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
@English_Channel me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
@ACartoonCat *first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
@ItalianBratikus When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
@Reverend_Scott [running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
@thepunningman “How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
@Gorrdano Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
@OhNoSheTwitnt This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
@Stellacopter *phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!