Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”