Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses