Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐