“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
This classic never gets old . . .
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
