“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
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I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me irl
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
What
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!