@loribuckmajor

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

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@ArrogantBB8

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

@deKenstruction

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

@shutupmikeginn

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

@ramblinma

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

@SortaSarcastic

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

@hansabumsadaisy

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

@ehdannyboy

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

@knotaprettygirl

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

@PhuckinCody

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.