Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
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I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.