Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

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*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*


I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.


air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.


“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”


Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.


If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?



“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.


Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.


I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.