Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
don’t be scared
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.