*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.