*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.