[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool