*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.