*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
We like the way Dwight thinks
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.