Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
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I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point