[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
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Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana