*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
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[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?