*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

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“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.


I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!


Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.


It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.


The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.


ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?


If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…


I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.