@ch000ch

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

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@amishschool

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

@StellaGMaddox

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

@Maxine12333

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

@rickkondell

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

@JohnHilsen

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

@dril

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

@samalmightysam

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

@TribalSpaceCat

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

@Goofpoops

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

@squirrel74wkgn

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.