*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
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I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*