[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive