*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet